I feel so fragile. Like any minute I'm going to break. Life is so damn hard. This is the side of me that I don't want anyone to see. The side that doesn't have it all together, because trust me when I say that I don't. I don't have all the answers. I'm not always happy, grateful, positive, loving, encouraging. I'm human, very real and feeling downright raw with my emotions today.
I've been hearing thoughts in my head for days now, "you'll never be good enough" "you can't do it" "things are never going to change" "it's going to keep getting harder" "you'll never be free from this" "you're not strong enough" "you are not beautiful" "you are...you are...you are..."
I said it, those six words are the root of it all. It's not the never ending housework, the challenges of raising a son with autism, the challenges of a son who is struggling to read, of a husband who works long hours, of a teenager who can be mouthy, house not big enough, never enough money, no social life any longer with friends whom I miss, etc. Of course, those things all add to it, but it is not the root of it. I've been giving to everyone else for way too long without first filling my own bucket.
I truly believe what brought these thoughts to the surface was a homework assignment that I had this week with Shannon Sewell's online class at The Define School | The Inspired Child. At first I was digging deep with the subject of photography in mind. And that was great. I mean, this was the homework assignment after all right? To take some time to reflect about this whole journey and passion I have with photography. There are genuine fears to this journey. Fears like wondering what the heck I'm doing trying to start a business. Will I ever truly get all this technical stuff down right to the point that it's second nature? Damn manual mode is so hard to perfect. Will I ever be able to truly share my style and others will want to pay me for it? I don't want to be a part of this journey if I can't allow myself to fully create an art that I'm going to be in love with. That's a scary thing to realize. These are some of the thoughts I have been pondering over homework this week. But then I realized that there were emotions still brewing. I needed to dig deeper, but honestly, who wants to do that hard stuff? The stuff that makes you take a good look inside and really be true to yourself.
WOW...that was so, so freeing to finally let out. To put it into words. To face it, stare at it on the screen and know it can no longer stay in that deep dark place inside that it's been hiding in. To acknowledge it for what it is...FEAR. Fear that I don't have what it takes to change what needs to be changed to get to where I want to be....happy with ME. Not for my husband, or my children, or my clients, but for me. My grand revelation is realizing that I'm not portraying myself as the photographer that I want to be because not even I am buying the bullshit. How can I expect someone else to believe it when I'm not even feeling that confidence that has to begin with me. Gosh, this is some really scary stuff to write and let others read. I feel so naked right now. But at the same time I feel like I'm able to take a deep breath and let it go. I'm no longer a prisoner to these thoughts. I need to face them for what they are. I am the only one that can do something about it. So for the photographer in me I think instead of worrying about learning anything else, I think it's time to fix this image that I have of myself. I need to get healthy, not just physically, but mentally. You know what I mean? I think only then will everything else fall into place. This isn't going to be easy. But I need to promise myself I will make some changes, even if they are small. I owe that to myself.
I'm finally admitting it. Everything else that I'm blaming my depressed thoughts and stress on is only a band aid covering up the true reason to this unhappiness. There it is in all it's glory. <viola>
Grateful for the people God places in my path; and there are so many. People whom I don't even know, like Shannon Sewell, who has shared so much this week with words, blogs (awesome blogs), so inspiring. And the other ladies in the class, whom are also sharing and being bouncing boards with thoughts and ideas and realizing that I'm not alone with my fears and doubts. Honestly, this class is true to it's title "The INSPIRED child".
I give myself an A+ for this weeks' homework. I think I've earned it!